I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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