I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
