just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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