a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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