You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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