Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize