Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
