Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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