Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
