Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
