Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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