i think i have two assholes
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
