Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
