I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Is it penis luge time yet?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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