So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
