Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
