All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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