you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
