I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
