She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
