Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
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Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.