I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.