I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
