Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If I die, sorry about rent.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
