BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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