my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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