I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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