I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
