but the lizard people decide everything anyway
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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