omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
