Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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