Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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