why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
