and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
