I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
