So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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