if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
