I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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