we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize