Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
