I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
