booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
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