I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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