I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
