there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
