Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
