he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
