i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
