Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
