We're facebook friends in real life
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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