it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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