Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
