If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
