I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
