I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Houston, we have a squirter
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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