What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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