He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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