Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i now understand why vodka
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
